I talk a lot about the frustration and difficulty that I face every day with my struggles with dysautonomia. I can't pretend that this is a battle that I wanted to fight or a gift I wanted to receive. But it is something in my life. It is something huge that was thrusted upon me and I can't change that. So sometimes, I have to own it. I have to proudly wheel through the grocery store. I have to make tumor jokes. And I have to take note of the changes that are happening in my life, because although they feel out of my control and some of them just really suck, there are a few changes in my life that aren't so bad. Saying that the tumor and the dysautonomia gave me something positive sounds odd, but when you're faced with a something like this, sometimes it helps to count the blessings.
If I had never started faint, if I had never found the tumor, if I had never gotten sick, I would have spent my summer in Scotland or D.C. working life changing internships and taking classes in a new city. I would have met new people with similar interests as me. I would have had a much different summer. But I also wouldn't have spent the whole summer hanging out with my mom. I wouldn't have met new people fighting similar battles as me. I wouldn't have learned what I have learned. Although I would have preferred to learn it all in a much less painful and inconvenient way, I am still grateful.
They say that you find out who your friends are when times get tough. I found that to be extremely, and painfully true. I lost people that I never imagined I would lose, but in that pain I understood our relationships more clearly. While I felt sadness, anger, and disappointment from the people who couldn't be there for me during this, I realized the truth in something my mom says. She tells me, in times like this, to remember that some people just don't have as much room in their hearts. This doesn't mean that those people don't love as strongly as they can or care as much as they should, it just means that their hearts are a little heavier and they can't take on other people's pain as their own. You have to forgive them for that, but sometimes, you also have to let them go.
And while I was grieving the loves I used to have, I was reminded of the ones that have been strengthened by this struggle. Had I spent my summer in Scotland, I wouldn't have seen my best friend, Kate, all summer. I wouldn't have had the chance to spend so much time with my mom and the rest of my family. And I wouldn't have really known how much these people love me. While in the hospital and going through all this, my best friend Kate came home from school every weekend to spend time with me. My family has done everything in their power to help me fight.
I got to see new sides of the people that mean the most to me in the world as they wrapped me in their love and lent me their strength when mine was running low. I had never seen my parents so scared. I had never seen my best friend cry. I didn't know how kind, strong, and loving these people in my life were. I will never doubt the strength of my family or the depths of their love.
I've been granted this summer, however painful and testing it may be, to guiltlessly and fullheartedly focus on improving myself, in my health, my heart, and my soul. Reading and knitting, writing and learning. I have been through rehab and physical therapy. I have learned to listen and understand my body like I didn't before. I have learned to trust myself and speak for myself. How often, in this double-speed life, do you get the opportunity to spend 3 months just working to make yourself stronger and better? I have had days where my only job was to drink a smoothie with adrenal supplements and rest for my next day of PT. I have had days when my entire schedule consisted of reading, yoga, and hydration. I have spent hours organizing recipes, work out plans, and medical records because my sole job this summer was me. And getting me healthy again.
Though I took up writing this blog as a way to cope, it made me rediscover my love for writing. Telling my story, every part of it from every angle, helped me understand it and helped me move through it. Hearing back from readers and other bloggers about my posts helped kindle my old love for reflective writing. I used to write about everything I was going through, I used to express myself in prose, music, language, any way that I could. But then life sped up and I got caught up in things that seemed more important. Getting back to a place where I have time to write about my everyday struggles, triumphs, and thoughts, has brought me back to a self awareness that I hadn't realized I was craving.
I was reminded that people are good. They are kind. From watching people hold doors for me when I'm in the chair to receiving crocheted prayer shawls from a woman I've never met from a church I don't belong to, I have seen the ways humans yearn to help other humans. Teachers from my mom's school sent me cards, my dad's coworkers prayed in temple for me, family friends all the way in India broke coconuts and preformed ceremonies with healing powers in my name; people joined me in my fight.
I wouldn't wish chronic illness, unexplained syncope, brain tumors, or any of this on anyone. My heart would ache if I watched anyone else hurt this way. However, I hope that everyone gets the chance to go through a journey like this one day in their life. Life will bring mountains and speed bumps and traffic jams and dead ends and hurricanes, but I hope when you face them, you face them bravely and intensely. I hope you let yourself feel every painful emotion and every joyous success. I hope you are strong enough and forgiving enough to let go of the people who can't go on the journey with you. I hope you don't let your heart get heavy with loss. I hope you take the time to reevaluate yourself and your life. I hope you are reminded of how unconditionally you are loved. I hope you rediscover your loves and strengths. I hope you let the speed bumps mold you and the hurricanes change you. Maybe, that is why you had to face the mountain. Maybe, this is why I got a brain tumor.
If I had never started faint, if I had never found the tumor, if I had never gotten sick, I would have spent my summer in Scotland or D.C. working life changing internships and taking classes in a new city. I would have met new people with similar interests as me. I would have had a much different summer. But I also wouldn't have spent the whole summer hanging out with my mom. I wouldn't have met new people fighting similar battles as me. I wouldn't have learned what I have learned. Although I would have preferred to learn it all in a much less painful and inconvenient way, I am still grateful.
They say that you find out who your friends are when times get tough. I found that to be extremely, and painfully true. I lost people that I never imagined I would lose, but in that pain I understood our relationships more clearly. While I felt sadness, anger, and disappointment from the people who couldn't be there for me during this, I realized the truth in something my mom says. She tells me, in times like this, to remember that some people just don't have as much room in their hearts. This doesn't mean that those people don't love as strongly as they can or care as much as they should, it just means that their hearts are a little heavier and they can't take on other people's pain as their own. You have to forgive them for that, but sometimes, you also have to let them go.
And while I was grieving the loves I used to have, I was reminded of the ones that have been strengthened by this struggle. Had I spent my summer in Scotland, I wouldn't have seen my best friend, Kate, all summer. I wouldn't have had the chance to spend so much time with my mom and the rest of my family. And I wouldn't have really known how much these people love me. While in the hospital and going through all this, my best friend Kate came home from school every weekend to spend time with me. My family has done everything in their power to help me fight.
I got to see new sides of the people that mean the most to me in the world as they wrapped me in their love and lent me their strength when mine was running low. I had never seen my parents so scared. I had never seen my best friend cry. I didn't know how kind, strong, and loving these people in my life were. I will never doubt the strength of my family or the depths of their love.
I've been granted this summer, however painful and testing it may be, to guiltlessly and fullheartedly focus on improving myself, in my health, my heart, and my soul. Reading and knitting, writing and learning. I have been through rehab and physical therapy. I have learned to listen and understand my body like I didn't before. I have learned to trust myself and speak for myself. How often, in this double-speed life, do you get the opportunity to spend 3 months just working to make yourself stronger and better? I have had days where my only job was to drink a smoothie with adrenal supplements and rest for my next day of PT. I have had days when my entire schedule consisted of reading, yoga, and hydration. I have spent hours organizing recipes, work out plans, and medical records because my sole job this summer was me. And getting me healthy again.
Though I took up writing this blog as a way to cope, it made me rediscover my love for writing. Telling my story, every part of it from every angle, helped me understand it and helped me move through it. Hearing back from readers and other bloggers about my posts helped kindle my old love for reflective writing. I used to write about everything I was going through, I used to express myself in prose, music, language, any way that I could. But then life sped up and I got caught up in things that seemed more important. Getting back to a place where I have time to write about my everyday struggles, triumphs, and thoughts, has brought me back to a self awareness that I hadn't realized I was craving.
I was reminded that people are good. They are kind. From watching people hold doors for me when I'm in the chair to receiving crocheted prayer shawls from a woman I've never met from a church I don't belong to, I have seen the ways humans yearn to help other humans. Teachers from my mom's school sent me cards, my dad's coworkers prayed in temple for me, family friends all the way in India broke coconuts and preformed ceremonies with healing powers in my name; people joined me in my fight.
I wouldn't wish chronic illness, unexplained syncope, brain tumors, or any of this on anyone. My heart would ache if I watched anyone else hurt this way. However, I hope that everyone gets the chance to go through a journey like this one day in their life. Life will bring mountains and speed bumps and traffic jams and dead ends and hurricanes, but I hope when you face them, you face them bravely and intensely. I hope you let yourself feel every painful emotion and every joyous success. I hope you are strong enough and forgiving enough to let go of the people who can't go on the journey with you. I hope you don't let your heart get heavy with loss. I hope you take the time to reevaluate yourself and your life. I hope you are reminded of how unconditionally you are loved. I hope you rediscover your loves and strengths. I hope you let the speed bumps mold you and the hurricanes change you. Maybe, that is why you had to face the mountain. Maybe, this is why I got a brain tumor.
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