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An open letter to my caretakers (Mom, Dad, Mandy, and Ally)

My family,

It's been a hard few months for us. We've been through a lot and we have more to come. This isn't easy but we are doing the best we can. You are doing the best you can. 

Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for every time you've held my hand and every time you've told me that we will get through this, even when I didn't believe you. Thank you for lying to me when I ask you if I look okay when I'm self conscious about my bed-head. Thank you helping me up when I'm dizzy but I have to use the bathroom. Thank you for pretending you aren't watching me with held breath and a worried mind when I want to walk on my own. Thank you for lifting my wheelchair in and out of the car a million times. Thank you for the forehead kisses and for holding my hand during every needle or poke or prod. Thank you for driving me around to doctors and errands and thank you for letting me drive you crazy and still loving me the same. Thank you for being by my side.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are so tired, which I can tell from your eyes. I'm sorry for the days when I'm irritable and frustrated. I'm sorry for the times I can't muster up a smile or a good attitude. I'm sorry that all we talk about is my health, but I promise that I care about your life too. I'm sorry that life isn't very fun right now. I'm sorry that all your free time is taken up by my doctor's appointments and running back and forth to the hospital. I'm sorry that I'm not myself right now. 

I know this is hard for you. I know that I'm not the only one in this fight and I know that you are hurting too. I know you aren't as sure as you pretend to be. I see you when your eyes tear up and I know your heart is full of worry; that is okay. You are trying to be strong for me and I love you for that, but you don't always have to be. I know there will be days when you are frustrated and you are tired. There will be days when you do not have enough strength to be strong for both of us, I will pick up your end on those days. We can take turns. 

This is going to get harder. I'm going to be scared before I start treatment but your hugs will help. I'm going to be tired and grumpy while I recover so you will need your patience. I'm going to be bored and bedridden post-surgery, so I need your friendship and company. 

But I promise that we will get through this and I will get better. And when this storm passes and we find brighter days, I won't forget that you were by my side. I won't forget every time you made me laugh when I was scared or hurting. I won't forget the days you spent with me just laying in bed knitting or watching TV or entertaining me when books couldn't. I won't forget the hours you spent sitting by my hospital bed or the energy you used to push my wheelchair. And I hope you never face any storms, but we all do, and when your forecast isn't so bright, I promise that I will be by your side. I love you. 

Love always, 
Tori 

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